


Confessions to a sleeping man

by FenarielTheDalishMage



Series: Asher Shepard [1]
Category: Mass Effect
Genre: AI's have feelings too, Alpha/Beta/Omega Dynamics, Angst, Biotic Shepard, Crying, EDI's concerned, Fluff, IMPLIED!! - Freeform, Implied/Referenced Rape/Non-con, Internal angst, M/M, Nightmares, Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder - PTSD, kind of, not really relevant in this story though, only for humans, possible trigger warnings
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-10-12
Updated: 2015-10-12
Packaged: 2018-04-26 02:35:58
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,506
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/4986817
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/FenarielTheDalishMage/pseuds/FenarielTheDalishMage
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>After the events of Horizon, Shepard is having problems keeping a lid on his past and how it relates to his mission to stop the Collectors. Kaiden's reaction to seeing Shepard again after two years has thrown the poor commander for a loop, their relationship is over, whatever they had in the past is gone and Kaiden has made tat painfully clear. Can Garrus get sort out his feelings and help him?</p>
            </blockquote>





	Confessions to a sleeping man

“ **Assuming direct control.** ”

Shepard dodges another blast, it just misses his right shoulder and he fires a single shot from his widow sniper rifle. The collector’s head explodes and the body turns to ash. Another soon takes its place though.

“ **This hurts you.** ”

A blast connects with his midsection, making him cry out in pain and he doubles over, gasping for air. He's pushed onto the ground and, instead of collectors, batarian slavers swarm him. They laugh and start taking off his armor, only, it's not his armor. It's those same clothes he wore on the farm. The faded Brown cargo pants and red plaid shirt with the short sleeves and the hole in the left shoulder where he'd been bitten by one of the domesticated Varren pups he had been playing with the morning the raid happened. They start to grope him and beat him while they get out cuffs. One of the slavers rips off his pants and-where’s his team, where's his friends, where's Kaiden?

~*~

Shepard bolted upright in bed, a bloodcurdling scream ripping itself from his throat. His body still glowing from the aftershocks of using his biotics from his panic. His eyes darted around the room. Aside from a chair being on its side and a data pad on the floor, nothing's wrong. “J…just a dream. It was just a dream.” Asher sighed in relief and held his face in his hands as his shoulders started to shake from silent sobs. “Fuck it all. Fuck this mission, fuck this ship, fuck this galaxy, fuck everything!”

Shepard fell back into a laying down position with a soft thud and listened to the gentle hum of the mass effect fields. Growing up as a colony kid, he never heard the hums of high tech ships but at least they were similar to the sounds the bison made when you brushed them or the sound of the tractors in the fields. Tears slid down his cheeks as he remembered his family. His mother, Hannah Shepard, a strong woman with curly hair the color of the dark sky at night that she kept in a bun, her tan skin showed just how much of her life she had lived on farms, her green eyes that reminded him of the grass on the hills behind the small school house that he went to five days a week. Her voice was soft and gentle but if you made her mad, oh you were in trouble. His father, John Shepard, an ex-marine who was able to get transferred to a backwater colony before the alliance discovered he was having a son who, somehow with amazing technology, they ended up finding out had amazing biotic capabilities. He remembered his father’s square jaw and fierce blue eyes. His dark blonde hair that was always regulation cut. His older sister, Jessica, who was as beautiful as she was protective over her biotically advanced younger brother. Always looking out for him and making sure that he was hidden in the barn when the alliance patrols came by. Her lighter skin and developed muscles showed that she would rather fight then raise crops. Her auburn hair was curly and always in a loose ponytail that showed off her petite jaw and sea green eyes. His twin brother, Axel, who took after their father and had his same square jaw but with his mother's green eyes. He had auburn hair as well but it wasn't curly, only wavy. They were attached at the hip and never apart from each other.

And then him, Asher Shepard, the runt of the litter. With skin that wasn't pale but wasn't tan, a petite jaw like his mother's and her curly black hair that cradled his chin. He had blue eyes like the artificial sky in the presidium and pink lips that always seemed to be pressed into a thin frown these days. His clean shaven face was now covered with red, angry scars and he had little red lights in his pupils.

That was probably what he hated most of all. His eyes fucking _glowed_. There was never any complete darkness anymore. Once he opened his eyes, even if all the lights were off and the shutters were closed, there was a soft red glow wherever he looked because his eyes _fucking glowed_. “Fuck Cerberus. Fuck Kaiden, fuck it all.” Shepard got up and threw on a grey t shirt and black sweatpants and got back into bed. He looked over at his clock and saw the time. “Not even a fucking hour of sleep. Damn, if mom heard my mouth…she’d wash my mouth out with soap five or six times before going on one of her rants.” Asher stared out at the stars as they flew through the emptiness of space.

He still had nightmares about everything he'd been through in his life. Some nights it was Mindoir, some nights it was when the S-R1 was destroyed, some nights it was the geth or Ashley’s dying words, some nights Saren, some nights the battle of the Citadel, some nights Horizon and some nights it was a mix of everything all jumbled together. Worst part of all, he had no one to talk to about them. He wasn't going to let some Cerberus psychologist relay his mental condition back to the Illusive Man and he sure as hell wasn't going to tell Joker or Chakwas or, God forbid, Garrus. The man would think he was weak and pathetic, that's the last thing he needed. So…he just laid there, silently sobbing to himself and curled up in a ball. Just like every night since the first night he woke up.

He almost screamed when he heard someone ring the bell on his door. He sighed and slowly got up, moving to see who would come up here at this hour of the night cycle.

~*~

Garrus wasn't going to make a habit of this but when the emotionless AI on board told you that it was concerned about someone's well being, that's when you should become worried. So, he mustered up all his turian courage and made the trip up to Shepard's quarters at, spirits, two in the night cycle and waited by the door as he heard Shepard walking towards it. It opened and…shit, no wonder even the AI was worried, Shepard looked horrible. He had large…bags? Yeah that's what human's called them. Large bags under his eyes and, all in all, looked like shit. He looked better after the battle of the Citadel compared to right now and that's when he had been almost crushed to death by a reaper…corpse.

“Hey, Shepard.” _I was worried about you._

“Hey, Garrus. Can I help you with something?” _Please, no._

Shit. He didn't actually think this far ahead. _Okay, Vakarian, improvise. You can do this. Probably. Maybe. Hopefully. Odds aren't really in your favor but hey, it was nice living while it lasted._ “Um…I just wanted to see how you were. Horizon seemed to take a toll on you and-”

“Don't worry, Garrus. I'm still fit for duty.” His voice came out choked and strained and there were tear tracks still on his cheeks.

Had he been crying? Could Shepard even cry? Maybe that was the problem, everyone thinking that he was invincible when he's just a guy like everyone else. “That's not what I…I'm concerned, Shepard. Not as a subordinate, not as a soldier, but as your friend.” _As someone who cares about you. Someone who wishes they could take the pain away and hide you away from all the evil in this galaxy._

Shepard smiled but it wasn't genuine, even Garrus knew that. “Thanks, Garrus, but I'm fine, really.” _Just go away, no one can see me like this._

 _I know you and I know that that's a lie, please let me in._ “You've got a shit poker face.” Garrus’ mandibles twitched in irritation but also in concern.

Shepard tensed a little bit. _Please just go away, I don't want you to see me like this._

“I'm good, you just caught me in the middle of sleeping is all.” _I don't want you to see me cry._

The turian sighed. “Fine, I didn't want to have to do this but you've forced my hand.”

Before Shepard could even process his words, Garrus surged forward and grabbed the human by the wrists and pinned him against the wall near his desk. “Garrus, what the fuck do you think you're doing!” _No, please don't do this. I can't keep it together if you keep doing this._

The human thrashed and squirmed but Garrus was a lot stronger than him. “You're not fine! You know it and I know it so stop lying!” _Trust me, let me see you._ Shepard stilled and looked away from him, suddenly looking frail and sheepish. His voice was now just a whisper and it sounded like he was trying not to cry. “Please just…go away.”

Garrus looked at him with something in his eyes, not pity but compassion and concern. “Shepard, please. Tell me what's wrong.” Shepard couldn't even look him in the eye. “ _Asher_.”

Shepard's eyes went wide and it was like something inside of him exploded, hearing his name in that two toned voice. He couldn't hold back the tears anymore, couldn't fight the sobs that racked his body. He slumped against Garrus and weeped, weeped for all those lives that were lost, for the ones that were going to be lost, for his fears and regrets, for his memories that he wanted to forget, for all the responsibilities he had, and, most of all, for the feelings he wasn't allowed to show.

Garrus had no idea what the hell he was supposed to do…so he just did what felt natural. He held him close, in his arms, and tucked his head under his chin. It was a good thing that he'd changed out of his armor before coming up. He ran his hand up and down Asher's back while making soothing sounds and rumbles that were used to quiet turian infants when they cried. “It's okay, Asher. I’m right here, let it out.”

“I hate you, you damn plated, flightless, bird!” Asher continued to cry as he insulted everything about the turian he could think of and then when there was nothing else, he moved to Kaiden and there were a lot more insults about him. “I loved him! That fucking bastard!” He weakly banged his fists against the turian's chest plates. “Like I don't know I'm a freak! My eyes fucking _glow_! Like I don't know that I'm working with a bunch of xenophobic radicals! That close minded, arrogant, back stabbing, over righteous, self centered, thick headed, idiotic, dim witted son of a bitch…” His punches became weaker and weaker until they were just touches and then nothing. “Like I don't…like I don't know…”

Garrus held the human’s face in his hands and forced Asher to look at him. “You're not a freak. Never say that about yourself. You're strong, and brave, and damn fine looking. Glowing eyes or not, and, frankly, I think it adds to your character.”

Shepard chuckled but it sounded hollow and emotionless. He looked back down at the floor and spoke but his voice was just a raspy whisper and he sounded outright exhausted. “Now that you've seen me like this, I won't blame you if you leave. Just take one of the crappy shuttles, will you? We still need the fastest ones for avoiding firefights at drop off points.”

Garrus stared at him in a mix of shock and disbelief. “You really think that I'd leave you like this? After all we've been through?”

Shepard just hung his head low, his voice sounded defeated and small. “Everyone else has. It seems like everyone leaves me eventually. First it was my family, then Anderson, then Ashley,, then Pressley and Adams and everyone else who didn't make it on the S-R1 then the original team, and…Kaiden and it seems like each time I ask one of them to come back they look at me like I was asking for their left foot, gift wrapped and with a crappy card.”

 _That's what he's afraid of. Being left alone. With what he's been through, I don't blame him. Even Kaiden, the man he put all his trust and love in, left him hanging dry and pretty much accused him of being a Cerberus robot._ “Never. I'd never leave, not in a million years. Not for all the credits or women in the galaxy, not for the chance of punching the council in their faces. Not even for a chance to kill Sidonis.”

Shepard looked up at him through his now tear stained eyes, all glossy and full of hope and desperation but also surprise and disbelief. “R…really?”

“Really.”

Shepard let his head droop against the turian's chest. “Then I guess there's no harm in telling you. I haven't gotten more then two hours of sleep each night cycle since I woke up in that Cerberus base, I've been plagued by nightmares each time I shut my eyes, which by the way, glow and that's always fun. I can't even turn all the lights off in my cabin without having a panic attack and feeling like I'm being spaced all over again and it fucking terrifies me. I'm just so _tired_ , Garrus. Tired of everything. I don't want to be Commander Shepard, I just want to be Asher. I miss my mom, and my dad, my sister, my brother, our pet Varren. I miss Anderson, Ashley and Kaiden, Liara, Tali, even Wrex. I miss arguing in the Mako about who would get to do what, I miss us all eating in the mess together and changing before and after a mission. Of you and Wrex trying to see who was the strongest. I miss it all, even having those shouting matches with the council in the debriefing room.”

Garrus just held him close while he got it all out of his system. “Come on, let's get you back to bed.” Shepard nodded and the turian pretty much had to drag the exhausted commander back to his bed. He helped Shepard get in and covered him before sitting down and running a hand through his hair. “I'm never leaving you. I'll stay by your side for as long as you'll have me, I promise.” _And I'll never let you feel unloved ever again. I love you, Asher Shepard, and I'd follow you to the end of the galaxy._ “You're my friend Asher and I'd follow you to the end of the galaxy.” _Damn it, just say it!_ “Asher…I love you.” Garrus waited for a response but when nothing came, he looked closely at the human and smiled when he realized that he'd fallen asleep with Garrus’ hand still running through his hair. “You selfless, introvert of a workaholic.”

**Author's Note:**

> Was going to make this A/B/O but decided against it. Then decided again. Totally doing it!


End file.
